


Now That I've Seen Him

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Episode Related, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-05
Updated: 2004-05-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian examines his feelings about the apparent breakup, and his feelings about Ethan. Set directly at the end of episode 220.





	Now That I've Seen Him

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

It was the beginning of the end. It sounds cliched, but from the moment I layed eyes on this god damned kid, I knew what was going to happen. I knew that one day he would realize that I'm not worth it, would get tired of waiting, wouldn't be able to put up with the shit, would leave me. I never expected him to last this long. He's tougher than I ever gave him credit for. I've been preparing myself for this moment for almost two years, but I never knew that it could hurt so much. I let myself fall into a fools paradise. I was never supposed to be in this condition. I'm supposed to be the one who doesn't let shit like this get to him. But a fucking twink, some kid blew all that. If there is a God, I'll bet he's laughing his ass off at me right now. Look at Brian Kinney now. He's not so high and mighty all of a sudden, though he's doing his best to hide it. Yeah, that's me. That's what happens when you let yourself let go of the rules that have kept you safe since you were old enough to realize that people will always hurt you in the end.

I always knew that this day would come, but it didn't happen wuite the way I thought it would. At first I thought it wouldn't bother me, that I'd be glad to have him gone, but I knew that wasn't true the moment I looked in my rearview mirror and saw some asshole with a bat going after my baby, my Justin. He's mine. I marked him forever on our first night together. He's mine. . . Well he was mine. . . not mine, not anymore.I've lost him. Shit! I've got to stop this before I go crazy. Okay, crazier than I already am.

Once I knew that I. . . Once I realized that he meant something more than just a fuck, I knew it wouldn't be easy when he left. Only I expected to hate the other guy, but I don't hate Ethan. Now that I've seen him, I can't. It was so much easier when he was some mysterious guy. I hated him then, but when I look at Ethan I can tell that he loves Justin, that he'll take care of him. That's why I can't hate him, because Justin deserves to be loved. When I saw him, standing there next to Justin, kissing him, there were a million different things going through my head. I wondered if he knows about the spot on Justin's neck that never fails to make him moan when kissed. I wondered if he knows about Justin's father, and what that prick did to his beautiful son. I wondered if he knows how Justin's eyes light up when he draws. I wondered if he knows how to hold Justin and comfort him when he is having a nightmare. I felt like telling him about all those things. I felt like telling him to take care of Justin, to do a better job than I ever did. To never make him cry, to protect him because Justin is sweet, and sensitive, and too trusting, and deserves so much more than this damn world is likely to give him. But I couldn't say any of those things because it would mean revealing too much. It would mean admitting that I care about him, that I. . . that I love him. . . that he's the center of my whole fucking universe. No, I couldn't say that. And anyway, I think Ethan already knows. He'll be good to him. If nothing else, I can be confident of that.

I knew it was all about to end, and things were pretty much out of my hands, but I wanted to have some semblance of control. I knew exactly what I was doing when I told Melanie and Lindsay that I was looking for Justin. I knew that they would send him to me like a lamb to the slaughter. If Melanie knew how I used her to hurt Justin, she would have my balls. They love that kid almost as much as I do, almost. So there I was, fucking Rage, well fucking mysel really, in more ways than one, and he came looking for me. It was hard to keep up the act when I saw the pain in his eyes. He tries to hide it, and a lot of the time he succeeds, but tonight he couldn't. It was written all over his face. It only serves to make me look like a bigger asshole than I already am. But no worries there. That's a role that I'm used to.

When I looked into his eyes, I saw pain there unlike any I had ever seen before, and this kid has gone through some serious shit in his life. It wasn't until that moment that I realized that I've been killing him slowly, and none too gently. Even with all the crap I had to put up with at my age, I never had that kind of pain. Then again, I never let people get close to me the way he does. He can't help it. There's something about him, probably in his smile, that makes people want to hang onto him. I've never seen anything like it before. It's as if everyone knows that he's special, that he's different from the rest.

There's one thing in life that I've wanted more than anything else. I wanted it more than power, more than money, more than success, more than fucking even, and that was to be a better person than my old man. I thought I was doing so well. Sure there was the drinking, and the drugs, and the endless line of tricks, and I'mm admit that I'm not an easy person to get along with, but I had two things going for me, two things that proved I had done it, Gus and Justin. I've always been proud that no matter how angry I've been, I've never hit Justin. I thought that meant something, but I see now that it doesn't really. I've hurt him far more than I could have if I ever did hit him. I can and will do my best to be better to Gus, but that doesn't change the fact that I fucked everything up. I fucked him up. Justin might not realize it right now, but pushing him away was the best thing I ever did for him, because now I can't hurt him anymore.

So I pretend that it's just another night, and that everything is just the way I want it to be. I barely pause before I start dancing with some guy. Even though I'm looking right at him, I couldn't tell you what he looks like. Justin is hurting right now, I can feel his pain beside my own, but he'll move on. He has Ethan to make him happy, to love him the way he deserves to be loved, the way he needs to be loved. And what do I have? A head full of memories that will haunt me forever. An empty space inside that exceeds even the pain and the anger. But I'll survive, because I'm Brian Kinney, and that's what I do. I'll go on living, but I'll be sure not to make that same mistake again. The old rules worked just fine for twenty nine years. They'll work again now. The mask is back on. But inside I'll know that I love him and I miss him. God I wish I could hate Ethan, but I can't, now that I've seen him.


End file.
